Update
Hello, its been a while
With my blog, I've always tried to give an honest view on how I see the world and what I enjoy in life. I started this blog a few years ago when I was in a sort of recovery from therapy when I was struggling with a lot of things in my life and other mental health problems, I've always said that things can be shit but they will get better in the future and I've always tried to remain positive about everything I've written.
I know that I don't update as regularly as I use to and its bad I know and I always give a million and one excuses of why I haven't, but this time I can't lie to you- it would be hypocritical of me to talk about how life gets better and then sit behind my computer and know that nothing has got better.
Recently I have been very very unwell, not like a flu but mentally very sick, it resulted with me in hospital and I was diagnosed with depression.
I don't like to admit it, I know there is nothing wrong with being depressed and asking for help but I can't help but feel this incredibly overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment, I am the last person who admit something is wrong. I shouldn't feel like this because I have a really really good fucking life, I've got nothing to complain about, I've got a supportive family, I've got great mates, I've got it really fucking good, I have nothing to feel sad about, there's no specific reason why I should be depressed.
I wake up most mornings and wished I hadn't, some days I feel so bad and nervous that I stay in bed and I end up in this spiral of "why the hell are you still in bed you pathetic waste of space?" and its extremely frustrating. I want to go out but I really don't, I want to eat but everything tastes of nothing and I worry continually about weight gain, I want to look pretty but I feel gross, I see that there is no redeemable feature in me as human, I feel like a failure and that I let everybody around me down.
People say to me just cheer up and what they don't understand is that if I could then I just bloody would, they say "do this, do that" and its not like I've tried to do that, I'm stuck in a goldfish bowl- I'm going round and round and round and theres no way to escape. Some people say that its annoying that I'm grumpy and that I need to be happy when I see them, those people don't understand that I can't help it and it has taken every piece of strength in me to get out to see them, I'm not saying they should feel greatful for my presence or to pity me constantly, just to throw me a bone. People say they understand but I don't think some do, I will go out and sit there and just think that no one would miss me if I wasn't there, which I know isn't true but something is telling me otherwise.
I feel like I've made a massive mistake by going to university, its not the people I've met, I love everyone who I have met, got to know, had a drink and laugh with. Its just me, I hate the work, I hate my daily life of being there, I don't like my course and I feel like I won't benefit, all I want to do is lock myself in my room and never ever leave. I am laughing stock, I am not at a good enough level to be there- acting wise and academic wise, I hate being there- I really really do.
I'm trying to get better, but it seems impossible, I'm constantly being told that how I feel isn't healthy, my thoughts aren't right- I know that but I have never known anything else.
The saddest part is, people say "you're so happy and bubbly, you can't be sad" but I am, half the time I feel invisible and I want to be anywhere but here, I'm letting people down by not being able to keep happy and do my work and to support others.
Its okay to ask to for help, people do love you, really, if you feel like shit then talk to someone or look at the links below- don't leave it for as long as I have.
I would appreciate your patience at this moment in time more than anything, its as frustrating as it is for you as it is for me, do you think I'm happy like this? Obviously not- thank you for your understanding. X
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